


Keeping Up With The Kim-Wu's

by fuckboibam



Series: Kpop as Reality TV [2]
Category: EXO
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Crack, F/M, Famous!EXO, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, I'm Sorry, KUWTK-W, Keeping Up with the Kardashians - Freeform, M/M, On Hiatus, Other, Underage Drinking, ya girl is back on her bullshit, you'll see why bambam is there later
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-06-05
Updated: 2019-03-26
Packaged: 2019-05-18 04:27:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14845704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckboibam/pseuds/fuckboibam
Summary: The Kardashians, except boys, Korean (mostly), and a large adopted family featuring kris/suho as EXO's parents. Well.





	1. Episode One - Where in the World is Kim-Wu Minseok?

**Author's Note:**

> So um.  In this universe, the Kardashians are all boys called the Kim-Wu’s, most of them are still in high school, and they live in Korea. Well, some of them.
> 
> The events are written normally, and the interviews are written indented
>
>> Like this
> 
> Good luck.

_**Previously on Season Four of Keeping Up with The Kim Wu’s** _

 

‘I’ve called you all in here, to talk to you.’ Zitao started by sitting down on the couch, once the rest of his brothers sat down. ‘On our last visit to China, Dad suggested that I could go live there for a while.’

 

> _‘That snake.’ Junmyeon rolled his eyes at the camera. ‘I’m going to kill him one day.’_

‘It’s not a big deal, I’ll go on our spring break still, and I’ll come back with Luhan for a month in summer. I just miss them a lot.’

‘I’m going to miss you a lot.’ Junmyeon added. Zitao nods, putting his head down. ‘I’m sorry, Mom. I just really miss Dad.’

‘I know, kiddo. I’m sorry your dad had to move to China and be apart from us like this.’

 

> _‘And I’m sorry he’s such a shithead.’  Junmyeon complains._
> 
> _‘Mom!!’ Baekhyun yells at his mom and elbows him._
> 
> _‘I forgot you were here.’_  

‘Well.’ Chanyeol finally said after ten seconds of silence. ‘At least Kyungsoo will have his own room now.’ Junmyeon starts crying.

 

> ‘ _Come on, Mom, you knew that he would be next.’ Baekhyun pats Junmyeon's back sympathetically._
> 
> _'Fucking Yifan.’_
> 
> _'Hey, that’s my Dad!’ Baekhyun complains._
> 
> _‘Well, not really…’_

 

* * *

_**April, 2018** _

__

 

> _‘So Zitao has been gone for a couple months, and it’s been super weird.'  Kyungsoo tells the camera._
> 
> _‘Mom keeps going into the room he used to share with Kyungsoo and standing in the door.’  Sehun adds._

 

* * *

 

 

> _‘So since Zitao used a family meeting to announce he was leaving, the kids keep calling family meetings to announce stupid stuff. It’s getting on my nerves. It’s Chanyeol this time, and I swear to god I’m going to murder him.’_
> 
> _‘We’ll stop it when it stops being funny.’  Jongdae grins at Junmyeon, who shakes his head and sighs._

‘Nice of you all to meet me here. I have some good news!’ Chanyeol finally comes downstairs to his waiting siblings and Junmyeon, who have all been sitting there for ten minutes.

‘you’re moving out?’ Jongdae asks his brother.

‘you decided to take a vow of silence?’ Sehun questions.

‘you’re dying?’ Kyungsoo asks, hopefully.

‘Close, but no!’ Chanyeol answers.

 

> _‘Maybe next time.’ Says Kyungsoo._

‘I got a tattoo!!’ Chanyeol exclaims, pulling up his sleeve to show his mom and brothers.

‘You WHAT?’ Junmyeon yells at his son.

‘Chillax, Mom, it’s not big.’ Chanyeol tells him.

‘Please don’t ever use that word again.’ Jongdae mutters under his breath.

‘I can’t believe you didn’t this without asking me. How did you even get it, you’re not old enough?’

‘Mom, you seem to forget that we’re rich. I just had to give them some cash, and they were happy to do it.’

‘gosh, I would never get a tattoo.’ Sehun says.

 

 

> _‘You don’t put a bumper sticker on a Bentley.’ Sehun winks at the camera._

 

* * *

 

> _‘Minseok doesn’t live at home anymore, and we don’t really know what he does. He never lets us come to his house, so I think he’s hiding something. Like a wife, and two kids.'_
> 
> _‘I think he’s embarrassed of us, but I don’t know why.’_

 

**_At the mall, later that same day:_ **

 

‘MOMMMMMMMM!’ Chanyeol yells.

‘What??’ Junmyeon yells back distractedly, looking at the bags.

‘Baekhyun is touching me!’ Chanyeol yells again. 

‘I’m not touching you!’ Baekhyun screams at his brother, shoving him.

‘You’re touching me!’ He yells again.

‘I swear to god, if both of you don’t shut up, I’m going to leave you here.’

‘Okay, Mom.’ Both Baekhyun and Chanyeol answer simultaneously.

* * *

 

On Friday afternoon, Junmyeon arrived home to Minseok sitting at the dining room table, and none of the other kids around. This was unusual for a Friday, as the kids would usually sit around the table and talk.

‘Hey, kiddo, was I expecting you?’ Junmyeon asks Minseok.

‘No, I just thought I’d stop by. I hadn’t seen anyone in a little while.’

‘Well where are the kids?’ Junmyeon asks, looking around.

‘In Baekhyun’s room. Be careful, they’re back up to their usual shit.’

‘Do I want to know?’

‘Probably not.’  Junmyeon puts his phone down on the table and starts walking up the stairs to the boy’s bedrooms. He reaches Baekhyun’s room and stops outside, listening to the loud noise.

He opens the door, to see most of his children, pants around their ankles holding rulers.

‘do I even know what in the name of GOD ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW?’

‘We wanted to know who has the biggest dick!’ Baekhyun tells Junmyeon.

‘I didn’t.’ Kyungsoo answers from the corner of the room, not looking up from his book. Junmyeon rolls his eyes and walks back out of the room, closing the door.

‘You turned out fine, what the fuck happened to them?’ He asks, sitting down at the table with Minseok.

‘C’MON SOO, JUST LET US GET A GOOD VIEW SO WE CAN ADD YOU TO THE RANK!’

‘DON’T YOU FUCKING COME NEAR ME, YOU GOD DAMN HEATHEN.’ Kyungsoo’s yell can be heard from upstairs.

‘You want a drink?’ Junmyeon sighs, getting up to open the fridge and grab some wine.

* * *

 

Later, during dinner, Baekhyun stands up at the table.

‘So, I think you are all very anxious to learn the results of our research.’ Baekhyun tells his Mom and brothers. ‘After careful inspection and calculations, the board has come to the following conclusion; Sehun has the biggest dick.’ All of the kids and Junmyeon begin to protest. Kyungsoo puts his head down on the table.

‘We will refrain from sharing the rest of the list to protect the privacy of the other contestants, as well as the dignity of all those present. Thank you for your time.’

‘BAEKHYUN, WE DID NOT WANT TO KNOW.’ Junmyeon yells.

‘There really is no dignity left, but thank you for your consideration.’ Minseok answers, finishing his glass of wine.

‘I hope you choke in your sleep, Baekhyun.’ Kyungsoo whinges.

‘I mean, this truly couldn’t get any worse.’ Jongdae complains.

‘Thank you. I’m glad I don’t have to keep the secret anymore. I’d like to thank not only god, but Jesus.’ Sehun grins proudly

‘YOU’RE MAKING IT WORSE.’ Jongin yells.‘SO MUCH WORSE.’

‘Lovely dinner we’re having.’

* * *

 

 

> _‘Anyone would be lucky to have us as a family.’ Jongin says to the camera._
> 
> _‘I don’t know what Minseok does, but I pray everyday that he’ll take me away from this hell.’ Kyungsoo tells the camera._
> 
> _'Don’t be ungrateful, Soo!!’ Jongin smacks him on the arm._
> 
> _‘Fine, sorry. I pray everyday that he’ll take mom and I away from this hell.’_
> 
> _‘Let’s be realistic, if anyone here is escaping with Minseok, it’s Jongdae.’ Jongin says to his brother_
> 
> _‘You’re right.’_

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I promise everyone is in here at some point or another. Yixing is currently at college, so he isn't here. The kids in China will also be included more later, so nobody stress.


	2. Episode Two - Spring Break...ing the Law

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Kim-Wu's go on spring break to Fiji.

‘I don’t care how good he looks, and how much he begs. Yifan is not getting any of this on this trip. I’m a new man.’ Junmyeon says to himself, getting all of the kid’s passports together from the drawer in the kitchen. Jongdae, sitting at the kitchen bench sighs.

> _’50 bucks they hook up by like, the fourth day.’ Jongdae tells the camera._

* * *

 

**Thursday, Kim-Wu living room, 7pm.**

‘Our flight is tomorrow, are you all packed?’

‘Yes, mom. I can’t believe we have to get a commercial flight though. Why can’t we take the jet?’

‘As I have told you, every time we have gotten a flight together in the last five years. The environmental impact of using a private jet is far worse than just getting first class tickets on a commercial flight. Plus, it’s cheaper.’ Yixing tells his whinging brothers.

‘We can afford it though??’ Baekhyun questions.

‘Leave Yixing alone, he’s being a good person. We can’t say the same about you shitheads.’ Junmyeon sighs.

> _‘It’s like Yixing doesn’t even realise we’re rich, which is stupid, because honestly who could afford to go to on at least 5 holidays a year.’ Sehun whinges_

 ‘No offence to literally everyone here, but this is the worst.’ Sehun complains.

‘We are in the most exclusive part of this airport that’s not for people who work here. What else do you want?’ Junmyeon asks his kids. They all fall silent.

> _‘The private jet.’ Sehun says, pouting._

‘What time does Dad’s flight from China arrive?’ Chanyeol asks, changing the topic.

‘They’re getting the jet, so I assumed that he would organise it for about when we arrived so we could all get driven together in two cars to the house.’

‘HOW IS IT FAIR THAT DAD, LUHAN, AND TAO GET THE JET BUT WE CAN’T?’

‘Sehun if you don’t shut up about the jet, I swear to god.’ Kyungsoo says, rolling his eyes at his youngest brother.

* * *

 

**Friday, the villa, 5pm**

 

‘okay, there are 8 bedrooms, your dad and I will have two, and you can share the rest of them between you. If any of you fight about it, you’ll be sleeping outside.

Your father and I are going out for dinner tonight, you can get the chef to make you whatever you want. Don’t go swimming after 10 unless Minseok, Luhan, or Yixing go with you.

Baekhyun, Chanyeol, and Jongdae, you will all stay in this house tonight, no drinking, no doing anything stupid. If I come back to find any of you have tried to jump off the roof and into the pool, I will throw you into the ocean and leave you there.’

* * *

**Saturday, kitchen table, 11am**

> _So Dad, Luhan and Zitao keep talking in Chinese all the time, and we have no idea what they’re saying. At least once, Dad talked shit about Mom, because he said something and gave Mom the side eye._

‘So, I thought we could go out for lunch today at that restaurant on the pier?’ Yifan told his two sons in chinese, while Junmyeon sat across from them at the table.

‘Mom would like that place, he said there was a seafood platter that he wanted.’

‘Let’s go to the other place then.’ Yifan grins.

‘Yifan, we’re going to the restaurant on the pier and you can fuck right off with your antagonising bullshit.’ Junmyeon replies, in perfect Chinese. All three of them turn to look at Junmyeon, with their mouths wide open in shock.

> _‘Bet you didn’t see that coming, bitch. I’m getting my kids back.’_

 

* * *

 

**Sunday, outside patio, 3pm**

> _‘Junmyeon has been laying on a chair right outside the kitchen window, wearing only boxers, his stupid floppy hat and sunglasses and it’s hurting me a little bit. Like I know we haven’t been together for almost five years, but like. He does shit like this, and he knows he looks good. And he knows I think he looks good.’_

* * *

**Sunday, dinner table, 7pm**

‘Hey, Baek, did you see those paparazzi photos?? How did they even know we were here?’

‘What paparazzi photos??’ Baekhyun questions.

‘Grazia Korea just posted photos of you asleep on the beach yesterday. It isn’t particularly good.’

‘I already saved it onto my laptop and my phone, posted it on Instagram and saved it as my wallpaper.’ Sehun says, not looking up from his phone.

‘Love you too, Sehun.’ Baekhyun finally finds the photos and gasps. ‘I don’t look like that. What the fuck??’

* * *

**Monday, the beach, 10am**

> _‘Soo hasn’t said a single word all weekend and I think there’s something wrong with him.’ Yixing explains. ‘He doesn’t talk A LOT usually, but he literally hasn’t spoken this entire trip.’_
> 
>  

‘So, I was telling Baekhyun that I saw a Snorlax earlier today and I wanted to capture it, but I didn’t because I felt bad. Snorlaxes deserve to be free. But then I realised I didn’t have a snorlax, and I wanted one. So I went back, and it wasn’t there. I felt really bad. I want to be a good trainer. Maybe by giving them love and food, I’m giving them a better life than they ever would have had in the wild.’ Chanyeol ranted to Kyungsoo, pacing in front of his chair. Kyungsoo didn’t seem to be listening, simply drinking from his coconut and laying there. Chanyeol kept talking.

> _‘In all levels except physical, I’m alone at home right now.’ Says Kyungsoo._

* * *

  
**Tuesday, the villa, 9pm**

> ‘ _So Chanyeol and I were out walking earlier, and we saw this bar. Of course we wanted to go.’_
> 
> _‘But we weren’t sleeping in the same room, and we knew we had to sneak out.’_
> 
> _‘We got Jongdae and Sehun, our roommates to come with us.’_

At around 11:30 that night, the four of them were very drunk and decided to try and stumble home before they got caught by the cops, or worse, their parents. On the way home, however, the four came into a slight disagreement.

Baekhyun and Jongdae had decided that they wanted to go skinny dipping, on the private beach they had found on the way home. Chanyeol and Sehun, however, wanted to climb the fence of the house near the beach to where a tiny dog was sleeping on a day bed.

So they separated, Baekhyun and Jongdae stripping off their clothes and running into the ocean, and Sehun and Chanyeol jumping over the fence of the house next to the beach and petting the small dog.

* * *

 

‘Hey, baby. Aren’t you a cutie? What’s your name?’ Sehun talks to the dog, patting it softly. He pulls its collar to the side and notices a name. ‘Talei. That’s pretty.’ Sehun takes out his phone and opens Instagram.

‘Hey everyone, so we’re in Fiji right now and we found this dog and it’s the cutest fucking thing I want 10 of them.’ ‘I look cute, omg.’

‘Hey um, Sehun. Sorry to interrupt your live but I can hear sirens, we should probably get the fuck out of here or we’re gonna be arrested.

‘Oh it’s fine, it wont be for us.’ Sehun looks at himself in the camera. ‘I’m loving myself in this lighting.’

‘SEHUN WE’RE GOING TO JAIL, PLEASE STOP STREAMING ON INSTAGRAM, I’M NOT READY TO BE SOMEONE’S BITCH.’ Chanyeol yells at his brother as the sirens get closer, stopping outside.

‘Chanyeol, you’re already a bitch. Now shut up, you’re ruining my live.’

‘GETTING ARRESTED IS GOING TO RUIN YOUR STREAM.’ The cops run through the house and  find the boys.’

‘Both of you turn around and put your hands on your head’ the cop yells at them, pointing a gun at them.

‘We’re really sorry, I saw the dog over the fence and it was cute and we couldn’t not come and pat it.’ Chanyeol explains.

‘We’re also really drunk.’ Sehun adds.

‘Shut up, Sehun.’ Chanyeol shoves him in the shoulder.

‘How old are you both?’ the cop asks.

’17 and 15.’

‘And where are you staying?’ the cops ask. Chanyeol tells them the vague area that the house they’re staying in is.

‘Alright, come on, we’ll take you back to your house.’

‘We’re really sorry we scared you, we just wanted to pet the dog.’ Sehun opens his wallet and pulls out a handful of cash. ‘Here. Sorry again.’ Sehun says to the people in the house, while being lead away by the cops.

* * *

 

Meanwhile, Baekhyun and Jongdae were freezing in the ocean. Stupidly, and a little tipsy, the boys had left their clothes in a pile close to the water. The tide had risen briefly in the time that they had been in the water, and now they were naked on a public beach with no clothes to get back.

Almost ten minutes later of shivering in the water, three people began jogging down the beach.

‘Hey, hey! Our clothes got wet, do you have anything that we could wear back to our house?’

‘yeah, we have these towels if you want?’

‘thank you so much, I thought we were gonna freeze out here.’

‘hey aren’t you some of the Kim-Wu kids?’

‘Yeah, we are. Baekhyun and Jongdae.’

‘Can we get a photo?’

‘Yeah, um, just let us dry off a second.’ They both dry off quickly and wrap the towels around their waist.

‘okay, uh, photo?’ they take a selfie with the two boys. ‘Alright, you need help getting back to where you’re staying?’

‘If you can take us in that direction, that would be great.’ Baekhyun points down the beach.

‘Sure!’

* * *

 

‘Sehun just started a live, I wonder what he’s doing.’ Jongin says sitting on the couch next to Yixing.

‘He was in his room last time I checked, they’re probably being stupid.’ Yifan says from the kitchen, making him and Junmyeon a coffee.  Jongin opens the live and shows Yixing the screen. The noise of sirens starts playing out of the phone speakers.

‘SEHUN WE’RE GOING TO JAIL PLEASE STOP STREAMING ON INSTAGRAM, I’M NOT READY TO BE SOMEONE’S BITCH.’

 ‘I’m going to murder them.’

‘They’re your kids, don’t look at me. Luhan and Tao have been wonderful this entire time.’

‘They’re your kids when they fuck up.’ Says Junmyeon putting his coffee down on the bench. ‘I’m going to go check that Baekhyun and Jongdae aren’t with them, because as if those shitheads would have gone and not dragged the other two.’

‘Your kids, Myeon.’

‘Oh suck a dick, Yifan.’ Junmyeon goes to check on the kids, to find none of them there. He quickly goes to the other kids rooms to check they hadn’t gone too. Kyungsoo and Tao were both laying in bed watching something on their phones, and Jongin and Yixing were downstairs watching the live. Luhan and Minseok had gone out earlier in the evening, to go to the beach and hadn’t yet returned. Junmyeon sighed. At least Baekhyun and Jongdae were there to look after his baby.

* * *

**Wednesday, the villa, 1am**

A knock at the door sounds, and Junmyeon runs to the door, to find Sehun and Chanyeol standing with two cops.

‘MOM!’ Chanyeol yells, running inside to hug his mother.

‘They were drunk and trespassing on private property. You should pay more attention to your kids. Goodnight.’

‘Will do, officers, thank you so much for bringing them home. You have a good night now.’ Junmyeon watches the cops walk back to their car, and shuts the door behind them.

‘WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOUR BROTHERS?’ another knock at the door. Junmyeon opens it to find the other two kids.

‘Hey mom! Did you see the cops that just drove down the street?’

‘All of you go and sit down on the sofa. Now.’

‘uh oh.’ Baekhyun sighs, flopping onto the couch. Kyungsoo and Tao appear from upstairs.

‘Is someone getting in trouble? We wanted to come watch.’

‘How dare you. Baekhyun and Jongdae, you are both 18 this year, I can’t believe you would be this irresponsible and take your younger brothers out. Not only did you go drinking, but you two almost got arrested, and you two could have SERIOUSLY tarnished our reputation. We are not those people, I can’t believe I had to tell you all this.’

‘It would have been fine if you had told us, and gone out, but you snuck out and then did some stupid shit.’

‘hold on, no it wouldn’t have been okay. Don’t listen to your father, he’s a bad parent.’

‘I’m a bad parent? My two are the only ones who haven’t done something stupid.’

‘First of all, what the fuck, your two? They’re all our kids, don’t fucking pretend that they aren’t yours when they get in trouble. Plus, Kyungsoo and Minseok have been angels.’

‘Kyungsoo doesn’t count, he’s a secret 40 year old.’ Jongdae tells Junmyeon, laughing.

‘SHUT UP JONGDAE. YOU’RE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE.’ Junmyeon yells.

‘At lease WE didn’t get arrested.’ Baekhyun grins at the other two.

‘Fight me.’ Sehun says, looking at his phone.

‘All of you go to your rooms. I need a minute to think about what your punishment is going to be. I’m disappointed in all of you. Except for you three, Kyungsoo, Jongin and Tao.’

‘Have fun with dad, don’t be too loud.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘You always get thirsty when you’re angry.’

‘Shut up and go to your rooms right now, or I’m sending you home and the Park-Im’s can look after you while the good kids stay here.’ The kids all walk down the hall to their rooms and go in quickly.

‘Thirsty when you’re angry, huh?’ Yifan grins at Junmyeon and chuckles.

‘you shut up too.’ Junmyeon pulls him over to the sofa and kisses him. ‘I hate you so much.’

‘Sure.’

* * *

 

**Wednesday, the beach, 1pm**

All of the kids except Minseok and Yixing go swimming with their Mom and Dad after lunch the next day. They have a great time, splashing each other and playing stupid games in the water. Until they get back to the house, and realise that Tao has lost an earring.

‘I lost my earring in the ocean.’ Tao says quietly, looking like he’s going to cry.

‘Tao, chill out, it’s just an earring.’ Jongin tells him.

‘no it wasn’t, it was my diamond one. It was like $6000 dollars.’ Tao complains again.

‘Tao, there are people that are dying.’ Kyungsoo says, speaking for the first time on the entire trip.

 

> _‘At least we know that there isn’t anything wrong with him, besides his personality.’ Yixing laughs._
> 
> _‘He balances everyone else out, don’t be mean to him.’ Junmyeon tells his son._

* * *

 

>  ‘ _as his parent, I was really mad and disappointed in Sehun for getting caught by the cops and streaming it on Instagram, but as his manager.....’ Junmyeon trails off, shrugging._

* * *

**Thursday, dinner table, 8pm**

‘Luhan, Yifan told me you have a girlfriend. What’s she like?’ Junmyeon asks his son.

‘She’s awesome, she would fit in with us really well. Very funny.’ Luhan answers.

‘well why didn’t you bring her?’ Jongdae asks.

‘Because of Mom’s no S/O rule.’ Luhan answers, taking a bite of his food.

‘Yeah, but I thought that Mom made that only so dad wouldn’t bring any models with him.’ Baekhyun answers, suddenly slapping his hand over his mouth. He gives eyes to Junmyeon, apologising for him mentioning it.

‘BAEKHYUN!’ Junmyeon yells at his son. Yifan raises his eyebrows at his ex-husband.

‘is this why you never bring your wife and kids?’ Chanyeol asks Minseok. Minseok downs his glass of wine and pours himself another, shaking his head.

> _‘He never denies it even!!!! I’m sure he has a whole life hidden from us!’ Chanyeol grins at the camera._

* * *

**Thursday, the villa, 10pm**

‘I cant fucking believe this. Sehun gets arrested and –‘ Baekhyun starts complaining.

‘Technically, he didn’t.’ Luhan corrects.

‘He gets ARRESTED and he somehow gets even more followers? How is that fair?? I need to get arrested too.’ Baekhyun says to himself.

‘Baekhyun, no.’ Junmyeon yells from the kitchen.

> _‘Baekhyun yes.’_

‘I have everything planned out. I’m gonna need some duct tape, some tennis racquets and a really big beach ball. And Jongin, because he’s dumb enough to be my sidekick.’

‘But Jongin just got super popular on Instagram. if he gets arrested too, you'll help him get more followers.’ Luhan grins, teasing his younger brother. Baekhyun pauses for a minute.

‘You’re right, I can’t take that risk.’

‘STOP ENCOURAGING HIM!’ Junmyeon yells again.

 

> _I can’t believe, sehun gets arrested and gets more Instagram followers, and I fall asleep on a chair and I get photos all over the fucking internet and no new followers. What the FUCK?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a few points.
> 
> 1\. I am not suggesting that underage drinking is okay. I personally had a lot of fun while underage drinking during my youth, but it is bad for you so none of you yell at me for including it. It was just a fun plot line that Allie and I discussed the other night while coming up with ideas.
> 
> 2\. I also have been to Fiji, and from my and other people I know’s experiences, they didn’t ask for ID or anything when selling people alcohol. Although this might not always be the case, I used it as a plot idea because I thought it would be funny, please no one get offended or anything, that is not my plan.
> 
> 3\. For the people who commented, or messaged me and said they haven’t watched the Kardashians; Do yourselves a favour and check it out. I know it’s not for everyone, but I honestly love it. It’s an incredibly fun, mindless tv show that has some of the funniest one liners in a recent tv show that I can think of.
> 
> 4\. Some of these plot things are DIRECTLY from episodes of KUWTK. I feel no shame, there’s some funny shit in there.
> 
> 5\. I feel the need to remind you all that I’m not implying anything about the real people that this fic is based on. No one yell at me because of the way I’ve characterised anyone, please. I’m soft and don’t take criticism well. (just kidding lol but plz be gentle.)
> 
> 6\. This is going to be a monthly upload situation, I think. I’m on break right now, but I go back to uni at the end of July and have to take Torts so everyone pray for me. Also, I tried something new with the editing, let me know if you like it or not, and I can change the first part, or go back to the other part.


	3. Episode Three - A Quiet Afternoon in the Kim-Wu House (Not)

> _'Since Fiji, mom and dad have been talking more than usual again'_
> 
> _'It happens every year, they spend enough time together and it’s like theyre back together. And then they spend time apart and realise how much they hate each other.'_
> 
> _'They properly separated like, 3 years ago when dad moved to China for the label,  and they aren’t over it. It’s getting annoying.'_
> 
> _'20 bucks they get back together soon though. Like in the next 2 years.'_
> 
> _’50 that they’re together by the end of this year, bitch.'_

* * *

 

On this particular afternoon, the kids had found themselves running around the living room, screaming about Instagram followers or something. Jongin had just started properly using his Instagram, but he didn’t follow Baekhyun and Sehun so they were chasing him trying to steal his phone.

Chanyeol and Jongdae had decided to join in, running around the living room and screaming for no reason. Kyungsoo, however, was sitting at the table trying to do his homework, while Junmyeon baked something for the PTA. Trying being the key word, because the screaming monsters would not be quiet for more than three seconds. Kyungsoo stood up from the table and slammed his hand on it.

‘I swear to god, if you don’t all shut up and sit the fuck down, you don’t want to know what I’ll do with your cold, lifeless bodies.’ Kyungsoo yells at his brothers. The  loud noise and chasing ceases, and the kids sit down in the living room, not making a noise.

> _‘Since we got them, they’ve never all been that quiet at once. It’s beautiful.’_

‘Can you tell them to be quiet more often, kiddo?’ Junmyeon yells to Kyungsoo from the kitchen.

‘of course, mom.’

‘Love you kiddo.

> _‘Really, at this point, we just shut up to indulge him. Soo is tiny, all you have to do is hold him by the head at arm’s length and he can’t reach you.’ Chanyeol tells the camera, laughing at his little brother._
> 
> _‘But he’ll come for you later, so you have to sleep with both eyes open.’  Baekhyun adds. Chanyeol nods, remembering the last time that Kyungsoo had cut chunks of Chanyeol’s hair out._

 

* * *

> _So the kids and I are going shopping to buy new suits because two of the parents in the PTA, and my good friends, the Park-Im’s are getting married. I thought they were already married honestly, but I we got the invitation in the mail a couple of weeks ago. And of course the kids only tell me yesterday that their suits from the last Melon awards don’t fit them anymore._

‘Get in the cars right now, or I’m leaving you here.’ Junmyeon yells to the kids. All six come out of their rooms and into the living rooms. ‘are all of you wearing underwear? Chanyeol? You remember what happened last time.’ Chanyeol quickly runs back to his room, and both Junmyeon and Kyungsoo sigh.

 

After wrangling everyone into the two cars, they begin driving to Garosu-gil, where they usually buy their suits for events, and their nice clothes. Sehun and Baekhyun specifically, love to try and out perform the other in finding nice pieces and comparing them.

‘None of you will be getting anything ridiculous. No green velvet suits, no crazy pink floral, or anything like that. This is a wedding, of people who ARE NOT famous, and who probably haven’t spent much money on outfits. This is not an award show, none of you are to buy anything crazy. Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, and Jongin, you all go get suits from Mr Yoo, Jongdae, Chanyeol, and Sehun go buy some clothes or something, and then wait for Mr Yoo to be finished with the others. I’m going to get a drink, call me when you’re done.’

-

> _‘Mom took us shopping to buy suits, but we ended up normal shopping because the suits were quick. So we went to the music store, to look around. I only was there for like 10 minutes, and I went to go find everyone, and they’d left me at the store!’ Chanyeol complains._

After getting the call from Chanyeol, Junmyeon quickly called the driver to pick him up from the music store. He’d had a few drinks at the bar, and was not going to drive all the way back to the store. When he finally got home, Chanyeol stormed in the door and put his bag down.

‘Chanyeol, I’m sorry I left you at the store.’ Junmyeon says, as Chanyeol storms past him into the kitchen.

‘I cant believe you left me there!’ Chanyeol yells at his mom.

‘You’re more than capable of getting home by yourself.’ Junmyeon tells him.

‘That’s not the point.’ Chanyeol sulks, climbing up the stairs to go to his room.

> _‘I’m just glad it wasn’t me this time.’ Jongdae laughs._

* * *

 

> _‘Two girls in my class were talking about taking a quiz online that told them which one of us would be their soulmate. And it made me wonder, what else there are quizzes about?’ Jongin muses, grinning at Sehun sitting next to him._

‘Everyone. I learned today at school that there are HUNDREDS of personality quizzes, and knowledge quizzes online about us. And I thought it would be fun to take them and see what happened.’

‘I just found one called ‘Which Kim-Wu Are You?’ I’m gonna take it!!’ Chanyeol says.

‘Oh, there’s one called How Well Do You Know The Kim-Wu’s, I’ll try that.’ Junmyeon answers, scrolling through his phone. ‘Question One. When Did Kris Leave Suho?’ Junmyeon sighed and put his phone down. ‘I’ve changed my mind.’

‘Mom, I’ll read them out, and you answer, okay?’ Sehun takes the phone and looks at the next question.

‘Fine.’

‘I GOT KYUNGSOO. FAKE NEWS.’ Chanyeol yells.

‘Let me check it.’ Baekhyun takes the phone out of Chanyeol’s hand and resets the quiz, beginning to do it.

‘Shut up, Baekhyun. Anyway. Mom. Second question. Where did you and dad meet?’

‘Mutual friends dragged me to his show, and we ended up meeting after.’  Junmyeon answers, not paying much attention.

‘Question three. When is Jongdae’s birthday?’

‘uhhhhhh.’ Junmyeon falls silent.

‘Mom, what the fuck?’ Jongdae asks, looking between his brothers and his mom.

‘holy shit.’ Chanyeol says, realising that Junmyeon doesn’t know.

‘YOU DON’T KNOW?’

‘I’m thinking, okay? Be quiet.’

‘See and I thought I would regret spending time with you today.’ Kyungsoo grins and settles into the couch.

‘Uhhh March? August? October? 20…9th?’ Junmyeon questions.

‘I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU DON’T KNOW’

‘You’re a terrible parent.’ Baekhyun grins.

‘Now we know who the least favourite is.’

‘SHUT YOUR MOUTHS YOU UNGRATEFUL BRATS. I HAVE 10 KIDS, LET’S SEE YOU FUCKING REMEMBER THAT MANY BIRTHDAYS.’ Junmyeon stops. ‘It’s the 21st century anyway, we have facebook.’ Jongin leans over to his mom and whispers the date into his ear.

‘September 21st. I knew that.’

> _‘And mom wonders why he’s losing his kids to his dad.’ Jongdae complains._

 

> _‘He could have googled it while Jongdae was whining. We all did.’ Sehun shrugs._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey kids, this took a while, sorry. I got another job!! And I found out I’m going to Italy next year and that’s mad exciting. Anyway, life is busy, I’m trying to manage two jobs, studying full time and some other shit. It’s exhausting. And sometimes I just want to build an 8 bedroom mansion on the sims and make all of the Kim-Wu’s instead of writing.   
> This will be the last part before my holidays end, so I’m hoping to stick to a reasonable writing schedule when I start uni back, but I’m not sure.   
> Thank you all for reading and your nice comments, they make my day! And if you’re into bts/got7 as well, I also have a Wife Swap fic that’s just as funny, promise.


	4. Episode Four - A Wedding (and Junmyeon's Funeral)

> _‘This wedding of my friends from the PTA, Park Jinyoung and his partner Im Jaebum, is on today. My other friends, the Kim’s organised it.  I love them, but the wedding is in this garden like three hours out of the city. Which would be fine, but the boys decided they want to take one car, and now Chanyeol and Kyungsoo won’t stop fighting.’_

Junmyeon and the kids manage to get through the wedding, arriving late and sitting in the back quietly as to avoid people interrupting the Park-Im’s wedding to talk to them. Just before the wedding finishes, they get up and hurry to the car, to sit for a minute while everyone congratulates everyone and gets to the reception.

They arrive at the reception 20 minutes later, and Junmyeon quickly walks over to Seokjin, one of the very few people he knows at the wedding, leaving the kids behind. ‘Seokjin, thank god, I just spent three hours in the car with Chanyeol and Kyungsoo arguing about who the favourite child is. Spoiler alert, it’s definitely not Chanyeol.’

‘MOM!’ Chanyeol yells at his mom. Junmyeon sighs and shrugs at his son.

 

> _‘I mean, I love my children. But god I wish they would be quiet.’_

‘Kids come here.’ Junmyeon collects them up by the collars into a small circle.  ‘Here’s the deal. Mommy’s going to have a lot to drink tonight, don’t bother me too much. Hang out with the Park-Im kids, or the Kim’s. I want some adult time without you all.’

 

**_~ three and a half drinks later ~_ **

****

‘Mom, Kyungsoo is saying that I’m your least favourite child, that’s not true right? It’s clearly Baekhyun?’ Jongin asks his mom.

‘Jongin, I swear to god, you’ll regret saying that.’ Baekhyun starts to chase him, and Jongin runs from him quickly.

‘cool, whatever, go kill your brother.’ Junmyeon sighs, downing the rest of his drink.

* * *

 

 

> _‘Mom didn’t tell us, but two of the Park-Im kids, Bambam and Yugyeom are staying with us for the next couple of weeks while their dads are going on their honeymoon. They’re staying in Yixing’s old room. It would be fine, but Bambam is weirdly obsessed with us. Especially Yixing.’ Soo sighed._

* * *

 

 

> _‘So we’re at this wedding, of some of Mom’s friends, and I just walked around a corner and saw Mom making out with Bae Joohyun.’ Chanyeol shudders. ‘She’s scary.’_

‘I swear to god, if you tell anyone about this, I will make sure my girls find a way to ruin your life, kid.’ Joohyun grabs Chanyeol by the shirt when she sees him awkwardly trying to walk away.  ‘You didn’t see anything. Now I have important things to discuss with your dad.’

Chanyeol bolts back around the corner, traumatised and looking for his brothers to tell them about Suho and Joohyun.

‘Aw, cute. He’s been obsessed with her for years.’

‘Mom’s gay, there’s no way he’s interested in Joohyun like that.’ Baekhyun tells them, rolling his eyes. ‘He would have told us if he was into girls.’\

 

> _‘The thing is, Joohyun has been married three times, and her husbands have all mysteriously died. Two is a coincidence. Three is a pattern.’ Sehun tells the camera. Baekhyun, sitting next to him, nods._

 

 

 

**Baekhoe messaged Yifan**

**Baekhoe:** hey dad, has mom ever been into girls?

**Yifan:** I don’t think so. I would have remembered that.

**Baekhoe:** chanyeol said mom was making out with Bae Joohyun at the wedding

**Baekhoe:** we’re all shook

**Yifan:** god damn, the hot, scary woman in the PTA with junmyeon?

**Baekhoe:** yeah, why?

**Yifan:** no reason

**BAEKHOE:** DAD YOU’RE DISGUSTING

 

* * *

 

 

>  ‘ _So now mom called a family meeting as soon as we got home, which was super weird because Bambam and Yugyeom were sitting there too, on their phones.’ Jongin sighs. ‘I’m glad Yugyeom’s here while the Park-Im’s are on their honeymoon, at least, it means we can practice more.’_

‘Kids, I have something to tell you.’ Junmyeon sits the kids down on the large sectional in the living room as soon as they get home, and all the kids look very confused. ‘I’m very drunk, but I feel like I need to tell you this.’

‘What, Mom?’ Chanyeol asks impatiently, wanting to go to bed.

‘turns out, I’ve been lying to you. I’m bi. Joonhyun and I had… relations at the wedding.’ Baekhyun gasps, Chanyeol laughs, and the other kids sigh and roll their eyes.

‘MOM HOW COULD YOU??’ Baekhyun yells at his mom.

‘Why are you yelling?’ Junmyeon rubs his forehead and sits down on the sofa with the kids.

‘I’m so disappointed in you. A girl? Really? You’re different than I thought.’ Baekhyun tells Junmyeon. ‘Now I’m the only true gay.’

‘Oh shut up, Baekhyun. Dad’s bi too, it’s not like it’s a total shock. Mom’s been obsessed with her for years. Plus, I wouldn’t say you’re the only gay. Soo is out here living his best gay life.’ Chanyeol tells them.

‘I THOUGHT SHE JUST WANTED TO JOIN THE COOL MOM CLUB. NOW YOU’RE NOTHING BUT A THIRSTY BITCH MOM. I CAN’T HANDLE THIS RIGHT NOW.’ Baekhyun gets off the couch and storms out of the room.

‘He’s just a drama queen mom, don’t worry about him. I didn’t know you were gay, Soo?’ Jongdae says.

‘Soo, honey, if you are, that’s totally fine. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.’ Soo nods and gets up off the couch to go to his room.

‘Well, this next two weeks is going to be fun.’ Bambam grins, whispering to Yugyeom beside him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

‘We have dance practice later.’ Yugyeom walks into the kitchen, where Jongin and Sehun are sitting with Junmyeon.

‘Fuck me, I still haven’t got the choreo from last time.’

‘SEHUN, LANGUAGE!’

‘Mom, you swear every two seconds, how is that fair?’

‘you’re my baby, you aren’t allowed to swear.’

 

 

* * *

 

 

‘I found out today that Zitao, Luhan, and Yixing all have wax figures. We don’t have wax figures. What is up with that?’ Chanyeol says to his mom as he walks in the door after school, followed by his five brothers, and Bambam and Yugyeom.  

‘THEY HAVE WAX FIGURES?’ Baekhyun yells.

‘inside voice, Baekhyun, please. I have enough of a headache from getting the car home with you.’ Kyungsoo tells his older brother, beginning to walk up the stairs to his room.

 ‘Shut up, Soo, I’m upset. This is ridiculous. They aren’t even the more famous siblings, I am. I mean, we are.’ Kyungsoo stops to listen to Baekhyun rant. It’s funny sometimes. ‘For real though. I’m going to tweet Madam Tussauds until they make one of me because I deserve it. I carry this family.’ Baekhyun finishes and his brothers and mom start laughing, at Baekhyun’s ridiculous statement.

‘You don’t even have the most Instagram followers.’ Jongdae points out.

‘Jongin does.’ Kyungsoo adds, smirking, knowing what he’d said would annoy Baekhyun endlessly.

‘fuck off, Soo.’

‘Language, Baekhyun. You’re setting a bad example for Sehun.’

 

> _‘I don’t have a favourite, my ass.’ Jongdae sighs. ‘Mom could at least try to hide that Sehun is his favourite.’_
> 
> ‘ _I feel so at home, knowing Junmyeon has a favourite child. Reminds me of mom.’ Yugyeom says. Jongdae rolls his eyes. ‘Just remember that I am actually the least favourite child, you aren’t.’_

* * *

 

> _‘Yixing called me today, he’s coming home from university for a couple of weeks and is going to stay with Minseok.’_

 

‘Kids, Yixing is coming back from university for a couple of weeks tomorrow, and he’s going to stay with Minseok for the week.’ Junmyeon tells them as they walk in the door after school that Friday.

‘oh cool, Yixing said he would help me with my new song with Sehun.’ Chanyeol says, flopping down onto the couch.

‘Is Yixing going to be around here much?’ Bambam asks Junmyeon and the kids, hesitantly.

‘He’s going to come over for dinner a couple of times, probably with Minseok.’ Junmyeon answers, not paying much attention to the two Park-Im kids.

‘Cool. Cool cool cool.’

‘Bambam, no.’ Yugyeom warns his slightly older brother. ‘don’t start that shit now.’

‘Just for no particular reason, how bendy is Yixing?’

‘Bendy?’ Jongdae questions.

‘Like from no homo, to homo homo. How bendy is Yixing?’ Bambam specifies to Jongdae.

‘Currently the order stands Baekhyun, Jongin, and then Yixing so out of everyone you have more than a chance than if you were thirsty for Jongdae or something.’

‘Where does Kyungsoo fit in to the gay scale?’ Yugyeom asks curiously.

‘Fifth.’ Baekhyun says, at the exact time that Kyungsoo answers, ‘Second.’

‘Damn. Far more homo than I thought. The scale is incredibly skewed in the gay direction in this family.’ Bambam says.

‘Not me though, I’m still super straight. Girls. Sorry Bam.’ Jongdae grins at the visitors.

‘No offence Dae, but I would bone your dad before I went anywhere your crusty ass.’ Many of the Kim-Wu’s all look at Bambam disgustedly. ‘What, he’s rich!’

‘It’s okay, even if I was slightly gay, I would fuck your entire family before you.’ Jongdae tells bambam.

‘language, Jongdae.’

‘As if Yixing would be interested in your skinny ass.’

‘According to his last song, he’s into bigger butts than you have, bam. Sorry.’ Baekhyun laughs, playing Peach out the speaker on his phone. Junmyeon puts his head in his hands, and sighs.

‘That’s enough. I love that you’re all open with each other, but good lord do I not want to hear about you all being inappropriate with people. Plus, Bambam, sorry, but Yixing is far too old for you.’

‘It’s okay, Junmyeon, I’ll convince him.’

 

* * *

 

 

> _‘Yixing just texted me, and says that he’s coming over for dinner on Friday, with Minseok. I think it’s great, the younger ones need to see where hard work gets you in life. I don’t want them to just live off their wealth. Minseok is running a multi-million dollar company, and Yixing is studying medicine and making his own music. I’m so proud of them.’_
> 
> _‘Mom, we haven’t even graduated yet, just let us decide what we want to do.’ Kyungsoo sticks up for himself and his brothers._
> 
> _‘its not you I’m worried about, sweetie. Its Baekhyun and Chanyeol. And Jongdae, if I’m being honest.’_
> 
> _‘Oh, okay. Carry on then.’_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi hello sup I know it’s been a while, but allie promised to post her fics next chapter if I did and I want to read it again omg. It’s a college!bts taekook fic that is based on real true life story of Allie’s and it’s incredible   
> Anyway hey, please don’t start some shit in the comments about bts/exo, I am a multifandom bitch and I wont stand for fanwars lol.  
> This chapter is a crossover of the other fic that I wrote in this series. For plot purposes for this, I wanted to include the wedding (which is like the last of 20 chapters of the other fic).   
> Hope ur all doing okay, sorry it took so long, hopefully it wont take so long next time. Leave comments plz!!


	5. Episode Five - Movie night

 

> _‘In the shower this morning, I was washing my face when the bathroom door swung open and Baekhyun came in, and just started talking.’ Jongin complained. Baekhyun next to him rolled his eyes._
> 
> _‘In my defence, no one else was home and it had been a while since I’d talked to anyone.’_
> 
> _‘Baekhyun, I’d just gotten in the shower, and Mom left ten minutes ago. You broke the lock, honestly?’ Jongin turns to look at his brother. Baekhyun grins at the camera._

_-later, that day-_

‘who broke the bathroom lock?’ Junmyeon yells from upstairs.

‘baekhyun!’ sehun yelled back.

‘shut up, sehun!’ Baekhyun yells from the living room downstairs.

 

 

> _‘he can suck my ass, he’s a snake and a little bitch.’ Baekhyun addresses the camera directly._
> 
> _‘I learned it from you, bitch.’ Sehun grins._
> 
>  

During his calculus class that Wednesday, Sehun received a text from Junmyeon. Junmyeon doesn’t usually text the kids during class, and so sehun subtly unlocked his phone, looking around the room to make sure the teacher wasn’t looking. Jongin however, looked at him across the room with a questioning look in his eye. He looked down at the text and laughed out loud.

‘something funny, Mr Kim-Wu?’

‘My mom accidentally texted the wrong person. Sorry miss, I’ll put it away and it won’t happen again.’ His teacher nods and continues teaching. Jongin sends him a look across the class. Sehun rips a piece of paper covered in little drawings and scribbles out of his notebook and turns it over before writing on the back.

 

mom texted me a picture of dad, and it said, ‘isn’t he the most beautiful person you have ever seen? he’s a whole ass man and I am PARCHED.’  I texted back ‘no, he’s my dad.’

 _‘_ good LORD. When is Dad coming back, I’m sick of mom thirsting?’

* * *

 

> _‘we get an allowance every week. Some of us are better at saving it and being responsible with it than others.’ chanyeol tells the camera._

‘Mom, sehun, and I have called this family meeting, to discuss an important matter to us.’ Baekhyun tells his mom and brothers, all assembled in the living room after class.

‘get on with it, Baekhyun, I have homework.’ Kyungsoo complains, not looking up from his phone.

‘We would like to raise our allowance.’ Baekhyun states. Junmyeon rolls his eyes.

‘no.’

‘see okay, you set our current rate of allowance more than three years ago. We have made more money since and gotten older. Baekhyun and I believe that our allowance should be adjusted for these reasons.’ Sehun adds. It doesn’t help.

‘still no.’ Junmyeon sighs at the kids and takes out his phone, waiting for the kids to keep talking.

‘mom, I spent all of my money buying clothes.’

‘you shouldn’t have done that. I give you $5000 dollars each month, which is more than almost any other teenager gets. The Park-Im kids only get $400. $5000 dollars is ridiculous.’ Junmyeon tells them.

‘but mom, we’re famous.’ Baekhyun complains

‘Kyungsoo, how much have you spent this month?’

‘about $300.’ He answers, deadpan, not looking up from his phone.

‘Jongin?’

‘$700.’

‘Chanyeol?’

‘$2000, but I bought a new guitar.’

‘It’s as if $5000 a month is more than enough to live on, unless you spend unnecessary money on buying Gucci bags and Balenciaga hats. I’m not giving you any more money. If you want your own money, go get a job.’ He walks out of the room and into his office, closing the door behind him.

 

* * *

 

 

> _‘If Mom won’t give me more money, then it’s time to take matters into my own hands. Time to find a daddy.’ Chanyeol turns to look at his brother._
> 
> _‘you mean our dad?’ Chanyeol asked his brother._
> 
> _‘who let you in here?’_

 

* * *

 

 

‘hey mom, I’m stopping to get fried chicken on the way home from school, want anything?’ sehun calls his Mom and asks.

‘Yifan back.’ Junmyeon complains.

‘yeah, I’ve only got like 20 dollars.’ Sehun answers.

‘how?’

‘you wouldn’t give me any more allowance.’

‘sorry kiddo, I had to do that in front of Baekhyun, I’ll transfer you some money.’

‘thank. Still can’t bring dad back though.’ Sehun hangs up the phone.

 

* * *

 

Junmyeon received a phone call at 4pm on Friday afternoon from Jongin, and he answered it immediately.

‘Hey Mom, so Jongdae got broken up with by that girl he saw a couple times, and she asked him if Chanyeol was single.’

‘Oh damn, is he okay?’

‘well, no. I thought you could call Dad and Minseok and we could do a movie night tonight.’

‘I’ll organise it for when you get home.’

‘thanks mom.’

‘Bye Jongin, I’ll see you soon.’ Junmyeon hangs up on his son, and dials Yifan.

 

* * *

 

‘Myeonie, of what do I owe the pleasure?’

‘Jongdae got broken up with, and the girl asked if Chanyeol was single.’

‘Ouch.’

‘If you and the kids aren’t busy tonight, we’re having a movie night and we thought you would like to join us?’

‘I think Zitao was going somewhere, but he’ll cancel to spend time with his brothers.’

‘alright, well the kids will be home in an hour, we’ll wait until seven to call, because it’ll be six by then and you all have time to get home and get dinner. And Yifan, please no arguing tonight. It won’t really help Jongdae.’

‘Agreed. I’ll talk to you tonight.’

‘bye Yifan.’

 

* * *

 

‘Minseok, hun, are you busy tonight? We’re having a family movie night. Your dad has agreed to join with the kids over there as well.’

‘I’ll be there. 6ish?’

‘we’re officially starting at seven but we’re getting food if you want to come early.’

‘alright, I’ll see you all then?’

‘okay, bye Minseok.’

 

The kids arrived home from school to Junmyeon set up in the living room with a laptop on a chair, as well as snacks, hot chocolate and blankets set up, and massage tables and spa staff standing against the wall.

‘Hey kids, movie night tonight.’ Junmyeon told them as soon as the kids walked in the front door.

‘which one of you told Mom?’  Jongdae complains.

‘It doesn’t matter, we’re having a movie night and that’s it. Minseok is going to be over in an hour or so, and your brothers in China are going to facetime.’ Junmyeon shushed Jongdae and continued to explain their planned out evening.

‘thanks mom.’

‘it’s okay kiddo, we’re all here for you.’

‘even me!’ chanyeol explains, walking over to pat Jongdae on the shoulder. Jongdae moves away and hides behind sehun, the second tallest kid.

‘shut up, Chanyeol.’ Jongdae growls.

‘i said no when she asked me!’  Chanyeol exclaims.

‘you’re still a dick.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was entitled as I wrote it: 'sam watches tempo and then has a lot of feels about Baekhyun and Sehun, and then writes about them and literally no one else.' Merry Christmas everyone, You probably won't hear from me until after new years, because I'm moving out, and going to Italy for uni for a couple weeks, and I'm just v busy. I know this one is really short, I'm sorry about that but like. life stuff. please leave comments anyway, its the only way i ever get enough motivation to write more for yall.


	6. Episode Six - Living Our Best Lives

 

> _‘Minseok came over today, and I wasn’t expecting him at all, so it was a lovely surprise. I was going to try and get some work done, but instead, Minseok and I are going to drink wine in the garden and complain about the kids.’_

 

‘Seokie, what can I do for you today?’

‘just thought I’d visit, mom, do I need a reason?’

‘no, you’re right. Are you staying for dinner?’ Minseok nods. ‘alright, well I was about to open a bottle of wine and sit in the garden, come with.’

‘mom it’s 11am.’

‘I’m living my best life, don’t at me.’

‘which one of the kids taught you that?’

‘Sehun and Baekhyun, when they were asking for more allowance last week.’ Minseok rolls his eyes and opens the wine bottle.

‘So, the reason I came over, besides to see you, is that I need to do business in China for a couple of weeks. I thought I’d take the kids with me, and you could go on vacation somewhere for a little while.’

‘you’re so sweet, Minseok. Where did I go wrong with the others?’

‘they probably need a mature, not-drunk role model.’

‘You’re dad isn’t ANY better than I am.’

‘yeah but at least he punished us when we did the wrong thing.’ Junmyeon sighs and takes a sip of his wine.

‘when are you leaving for china?’

‘next month, on the 15th.’

‘awesome, please take the kids. They’ve been irritating the shit out of me lately, and none of them ever listen.’

‘so, what are you gonna do when they’re gone?’

‘I’m probably going to book the good spa girls to come over and give me massages. Maybe I’ll go stay somewhere for the weekend. That might be nice.’

 

* * *

 

 

 

>   _‘Minseok is taking the kids with him to china to visit their brothers for two weeks. I'm really not worried, because Minseok is the most responsible of the kids. And the oldest. Plus, I think he’s taking them to give me a break and I appreciate that.’_

 

 

At dinner that night, Junmyeon and Minseok tell the kids that they’re going to China for a few weeks, and they almost fall out of their chairs.

‘don’t act so excited, or I’ll take it personally.’

‘it’s not that we love you any less, mom, it’s just that we haven’t seen dad, Lu, or Zitao in ages. Plus, Yixing is at school there, so we’ll see him too!’

‘and you assholes wonder why I love Sehun so much.’ The table falls silent, and Chanyeol gets a huge grin on his face.

‘so, Minseok, how are the kids?’ Chanyeol asks. Baekhyun and Jongdae immediately start laughing, and the other kids grin looking at their eldest brother, except for Kyungsoo who continues to eat

‘you know, Chanyeol, we could get along. We really could, but you go and pull this nonsense every time I see you, and it makes me want to throttle you.’ Minseok explains to his brother. Chanyeol stops laughing as hard, and finally settles a little.

‘why don’t you tell us anything about your life then?’ Jongin asks.

‘he does. None of you pay attention or ask how he is when he’s over.’ Kyungsoo tells them, and they all look down the table.

‘I work as a property developer. There’s a building in Shanghai that I just bought, and I plan on renovating it to make apartments.’

‘Are you selling the whole building?’ Junmyeon asks, interested.

‘No, I’m keeping the penthouse. If it goes well, there should be some extra apartments that you guys can buy off me when you’re making your own money.’

‘I’m already making my own money.’ Baekhyun boasts proudly, before immediately slamming his hand over his mouth.

‘how, Baekhyun?’ Minseok asks, almost impressed for a second.

‘it’s nothing don’t worry about it.’ Baekhyun tries

‘Baekhyun has a sugar daddy.’ Sehun tells them disinterestedly, moving the last of the food on the plate around with his fork.

‘shut up, Sehun.’ Baekhyun slumps in his chair and avoids eye contact with his brothers, and especially Junmyeon.

‘just as long as you’re safe, Baekhyun. And discreet. I don’t want to have to deal with the media if they find out about it.’ Junmyeon tells him, and Baekhyun is surprised at his lack of a reaction.

‘ah, there’s our momager we know and love.’

* * *

 

> _‘I_ _really thought mom wouldn't let me go visit Yixing, but I’m not complaining.’_
> 
> ‘ _you're so god damn annoying that dad wouldn't take you and Mom wouldn't mind if he did’ Kyungsoo says to his brother sitting next to him. Baekhyun is silent for a second._
> 
> _‘well jokes on you asshole, I can only be more annoying from now.’_

* * *

 

At 10am on Sunday morning, Jongin comes home from the gym with his best friend Taemin following him, and holding a camera pointed towards him, and Jongin is speaking to it.

‘what the hell are you doing?’ Junmyeon asks, standing at the kitchen counter making himself breakfast.

‘I’m vlogging for my YouTube channel!’ Jongin answers excitedly. Jongdae rolls his eyes and looks around the room, seeing the five cameramen filming them right now.

‘we literally have people follow us around with cameras for a living. Why do you need to vlog for YouTube?’ Baekhyun walks in and asks. Jongin doesn’t question why he knows what’s going on.

 ‘just use snapchat like the rest of us.’ Chanyeol yells from the other room.

‘Yeol, snapchat isn’t in anymore, everyone uses Instagram.’ Jongin hears Sehun tell Chanyeol.

‘I just thought it would be fun. Plus, I have twelve million subscribers, and I’ve only been vlogging for two months.’

‘are you making any money from it?’ Junmyeon asks. Jongin nods with a big smile on his face.

‘proud of you, sweetie. If only Baekhyun would take your initiative.’ The end of the sentence Junmyeon speaks louder, in order for Baekhyun to hear.

‘at least I’m making money doing something. Sehun does nothing.’

‘Sehun’s 15. And he isn’t doing nothing, he’s modelling, remember? He has a show next week.’

‘why am I the ugly one who doesn’t have any side gigs?’

‘it’s okay, Baek honey. Jongdae doesn’t do anything either.’

‘HEY!’

 

 

* * *

 

 

‘Mom, can we go to camping next month?’ Jongdae asks at dinner that night.

‘probably, but it's gonna have to wait until we're back from visiting your father in china bc his accident’

‘what happened to dad???’ Baekhyun asks, concerned.

‘oh, nothing.’ Junmyeon brushes off the concern, and continues eating his food. The kids look at him suspiciously, but don’t ask anymore questions.

 

> _‘yet.' Junmyeon gives an evil looking smirk to the camera._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me: 'will probably update soon after the new year.'  
> also me: *doesn't even look at KUWTKW until almost the end of March.   
> Sorry everyone! let me know what you like, what you want to see, etc. I'm running out of ideas to put in there before the set ending I already have written!  
> [ Follow me on twitter @fuckboibam ](http://twitter.com/fuckboibam) and come talk to me, I moved out of home and I'm feeling p lonely RIP.

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading this garbage.
> 
> follow me on [twitter ](https://twitter.com/fuckboibam)and [tumblr ](https://fuckboibam.tumblr.com/)to hear me complain about fandom and know when I'm uploading stuff.
> 
> follow my best friend on [tumblr ](https://catladyjaebum.tumblr.com/)here, and her bts animation blog where she [draws bts as hogwarts students here](https://ur-a-wizard-bts.tumblr.com/).


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